dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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