Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
