im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
