Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
