Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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