I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
