So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
