i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
