i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
