I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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