I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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