I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
