Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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