we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
