Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
