So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like death gave me a hand job
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
MIDGETS
????
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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