It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
