You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
