i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
