i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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