After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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