just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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