I want you more than these girls want KFC
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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