I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
