Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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