I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
