Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
