Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
