I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
