My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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