Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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