Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
