Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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