i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
