i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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