he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
