Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
