I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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