well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
