I met the friendliest cop last night
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
