my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
