Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
