I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
