i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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