I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
