i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
