I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
