dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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