I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i came on her dog
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
