He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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