So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
