over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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