If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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